The Evil Spell Check: A Cautionary Tail


Once upon a time, in the kingdom of a Giant Bookstore, an events Calendar would grace the cash registers and bulletin boards of the store each month, listing book signings and readings and happy occasions.

One day, a hapless customer stumbled across something startling in the upcoming events: a signing scheduled with one of the authors who contributed to an anthology of Inspirational Writings for the Children of the Kingdom. The book was lauded in the Calendar Scroll as a “copulation of stories for children…”

For it so happened that the writer of this Events Calendar had been caught unawares by the perils of the Spell Check. Under this evil Spell, an innocent Typo was turned into something much more sinister and inappropriate. Having likely typed copilation in place of compilation, the Spell was recast, transforming the innocent word into copulation.

This caused great embarrassment in the land, and caused many a tree to be felled for the Improprer Calendars to be re-scribed.

—-

The difference of a character or two in the title of story can mightily change the character of the story. In that spirit, I offer you this copulation of children’s stories and rhymes. Many of which may not be suitable for children.

A Copulation of Children’s Stories and Rhymes

Table of Contents

    I. Poplar Stories:

  1. Goodnight Moron
  2. The Very Hung Caterpillar
  3. Bicurious George
  4. The Runway Bunny
  5. Frog and Toad are Fiends
  6. Charlotte’s Weed
  7. Hairy, the Dirty Dong
  8. Mike Mulligan and his Steamy Shover
  9. The Cat in the Heat
  10. Mary’s Poppin’
  11. Clifford the Big Rude Dog
  12. The Wine in the Willows
  13. Lite Women
  14. Where the Reefer Grows
  15. Harpy Pooter
  16. The Wonderful Wizard of Ooze
  17. II. Nunnery Rhymes:

  18. Marty Had a Little Lamp
  19. Hickory Dickory Dick
  20. Humpy Dumpy
  21. Little Ho Peep
  22. Little Miss Muff
  23. Poop Goes the Weasel
  24. The Farmer in the Deli
  25. Do You Know the Muff Man?
  26. Wee Willy’s Winkie
  27. Little Jack Horny
  28. Peter Peter Pumpin’ Beater
  29. III. Classic Fairy Tails:

  30. Snot White and Roe Red
  31. The Little Math Girl
  32. Goldilocks on the Three Bears
  33. The Princess and the Pee
  34. Jack and the Beatstalk
  35. Puss in Boobs
  36. The Twelve Panting Princesses
  37. Little Red Riding Ho
  38. Snow White and the Shaven Dwarfs
  39. Beauty and the Breast
  40. The Three Little Prigs

——

This week’s Monday Mission was to write a post in the form of a children’s story or poem. (Yes, I realize it’s Tuesday today. This is hardly the only thing I’m running late for.)

This typo really did happen back when I worked in the bookstore, and it still makes me giggle these many years later. (I can do that, because I wasn’t among those who wrote or proofread the calendar in question.) I’d been wanting to share this list and story for a while, so this seemed a good occasion to do so.

20 responses to “The Evil Spell Check: A Cautionary Tail

  1. OMG. You just caused me to laugh my ass off.

    Seriously, it’s over there by the door. It was in my chair…and now it’s on the floor.

    Well done.

  2. HI-larious! Hahaha!

  3. You had me laughing & disgusted and laughing.

    Shaven Drawfs and Willy’s Winkie…you kill me!

    My stomach hurts a bit. You win for making me laugh hardest today.

    You get no prizes…

  4. would I be revealing too much if I mentioned that some of these titles exist?

  5. Best post ever.

  6. Will you not DO that while I am trying to drink my coffee?
    You are so, so clever. You are going to have me doing this to every children’s book title I know. Just wait until Mad sees this!

  7. I was already crying when I got to ‘Bicurious George’.

    Now I know why I like you so much. You and Paul have the exact same sense of humor. You would completely appreciate what he does to Sesame Street songs.

  8. Awesome! I read The Very Hung Catepillar – Disgusting! And so graphic!

  9. Those are great. And I’m embarrassed to admit how many of those suggested ‘fixes’ made me laugh out loud. Like LOUD. My sense of humor is refined, indeed.

  10. hysterical! every last title was great, but my favorite was Mike Mulligan and his Steamy Shover

    he he he

    my dear friend’s son favorite book is the cleaner version of this. She would SO appreciate this. In fact, i might send her this list!

  11. I am going to be singing Marty Had a Little Lamp all day long.

  12. This so reminds me of Monty Python:

    (Eric Idle, sitting with large children’s book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning’s story. Are you ready? Then we’ll begin. (opens book; reads) ‘One day Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he gabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her…; (reads silently, turns over page quickly, smiles) ‘Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies…’ (reads on silently; a stick enters vision and pokes him; he starts and turns over page)….. ‘Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and … discipline?… naked? … (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!?

  13. I love it! Lots of full-out chuckling on this one.

  14. “Do you know the muff man?”

    Yes. He’s such a cunning linguist.

    You are without peer, m’dear.

  15. All so very hilarious. We watch Bicurious George way too much in this house. I can see how that elongated yellow hat could be tempting for little George.

    Hairy, the Dirty Dong…heh.

  16. Oh! Thought of one: Harriet the Spry.

  17. And one that doesn’t belong here: Freddy the Prig.

  18. LOVE this post–yay!

  19. Pingback: office balls and other fine treats | collecting tokens

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s