From the AP article:The Johns Hopskins University Center for Human Health and Technology Studies issued a report last Friday indicating that individuals participating in activities relating to the internet format of weblogs were at increased risk for a variety of health problems, including rickets, schistosomiasis, kuru, high blood pressure, Omphaloskepsis, and vitamin D deficiency. Many subjects further exhibited lethargy and reduced reaction times to external stimuli.Blogging practices most strongly correlated with risks to mental and physical health include the publication, reading and exposure to weblog entries on topics including, but not limited to, politics, humor, family, music, news and the personal lives of the weblog authors. The study identified the following practices as being most strongly correlated with mental health risks and cognitive deficits:
Spending upwards of 5 hours weekly reading, writing or contemplating writing weblog entries
Reading of multiple weblogs daily
Compulsive checking of weblog entries for comments or the checking of website visitor statistics
Posting images of one’s local domestic fauna and/or offspring
Posting lists of any kind
When asked for details on the concurrent study for risks associated with so-called “lolcats,” images of animals which have been augmented with captions using poor grammar, Dr. Percival Jones-Quinderpants replied: “The final results of that study are not yet available, but preliminary results show that subjects may be at higher risk for certain types adult-onset language disorder, such as Lolcat’s Aphasia and hyperacronymia.”Related studies also found that subjects who spent late-night hours engaging in various online activities (such as social networking sites) were more 5 times more likely than the control group to have decreased attention spans and reduced ability to focus, leading to an inability to complete a coherent
Jon Stewart: …and the award for the Most Distinguished Pants Blog, the coveted Golden Pants Award, goes to alejna of collecting tokens. [cue cheesy music]
alejna: [choking back the tears] I can’t believe what an honor this is for me. It seems like just yesterday that I first tried on pants blogging. Now with 31 pants posts under my belt, I feel that I’ve come far in the world of pants blogging. But I know that there are many more important issues of pants that need to be laid bare. I will continue to strive to dress them…I mean address them in the dignified manner which they so richly deserve.
I would like to thank the Academy of Pants. I’d of course like to thank my mother, who put me in my first pair of pants. I’d like to thank all my friends and family members who encouraged me in the pursuit of pants, with the occasional kick in the pants. Thanks to those who brought pants crises and pants celebrations to my attention. And thanks, above all, to my various pairs of pants, which were always there to cover my ass in times of need.
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This week’s Monday Mission, which I chose to accept in part because I have many other things which I should be doing and this seemed like more fun, was to write a post in the form of an acceptance speech. I’d also like to extend my thanks to Painted Maypole, for the specific inspiration for this post. When she wrote her pants entry for last week’s Mission, I told her I felt like I’d been awarded the Golden Pants Award. It seems only fitting that I should have my acceptance speech ready.
From time to time, I have been known to do a product review. (Some of you may remember my review of the iPhone, and the followup discussion of the Apple iCup.) I’ve been wanting to share this product for a while, but thought it would be good to wait for the Year of the the Rat celebrations to kick in. So, here it is: a review and demo of the Ikea Rat Launcher.
The Ikea Rat Launcher
This colorful and inexpensive device can launch an Ikea stuffed rat several feet up into the air, way up over a toddler’s head, resulting in a flying rat and a giggling toddler. (Individual results may vary.) Below are some images from our extensive testing of this product in late October of last year.
For the full demonstration, you can watch this video.¹
This ingenious product also doubles as a storage device: rats can be collected and placed in the launcher for later launching. An attractive reptilian cover keeps the rats from escaping.
Warning: this product is not recommended for toddler storage.
While the Launcher appears large enough to accomodate a toddler, attempts at toddler storage may result in the following:²
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¹ Sorry it’s a bit long, at 2:42, but I was too amused by Phoebe’s belly laughter and backwards toddling to cut any of it out.
² This one’s only 15 seconds. You know you want to watch it.
(Note that my blog shares this honor with Sassy of eye heart internet, who can even blog at the elementary school level bilingually.)
Actually, the first time I tried this, a few weeks ago maybe, I got junior high level. But apparently my writing skills are deteriorating.
What I find funniest, though, is that I also tried my other blog: The Minsitry of Silly Blogs. This is a blog I threw together on a whim to go along with a NaBloPoMo group I started. See what it scored?
It would seem that when I am making efforts to sound Officious and Pretentious, as well as Silly and Pompous, my writing appears more erudite. Even if what I am writing is Utter Nonsense. (Which is not to say that I believe that all those whose blogs scored higher than elementary school write Officiously and Pompously. But perhaps you all write Utter Nonsense?)
All in all, I find myself terribly curious about the means by which a reading level score is achieved. Is it sentence length? Average word length? Does anyone know?
Biologists the world over are expressing cautious excitement over reports of the discovery of a new species of animal life that was discovered last Friday.
Reports were received of a number of small furry creatures residing in the refrigerator of a Massachusetts family’s home. Animal control officers on the scene then reported the hitherto unidentified animals to the scientific community.
The Chenopodiaceae Beta Fuzzae, or Fuzzae Beet as it has been nicknamed, appears to thrive in the dark, chilly ecosystem of the vegetable drawer, and requires only as much light as is offered by the little lightbulb that goes on when the refrigerator door is opened. It resembles a common beet root in appearance, but with a coat of downy fur, and is believed to be part vegetable and part mammal. It was observed roaming among the piles of arugula and turnip greens, and exhibited signs of rudimentary intelligence. “One of them looked right at me, and I was sure it was going to start speaking,” said Bob Loobsteele of Animal Control, who was first to arrive on the scene.
A family of the Fuzzae Beets have been extracted from the rest of the colony their natural habitat, in order that their behavior may be studied under more controlled conditions.
The implications of this discovery are far-reaching. “With so many other species being threatened by climate change, it is heartening to find that new life is evolving,” says Dr. Frank Murgentroober, head of the Springfield University Department of Paranormal Vegetable Phenomena. “We think it’s only a matter of time before more life forms are found lingering in the depths of neglected vegetable drawers, or even emerging from pizza boxes left under the bed in college dorm rooms.”
Dr. Wilma P. Snodgrass of Large Urban University, however, is a dissenting voice among the excited scientific community. “We think this may well turn out to be a hoax, or the twisted delusions of someone who has far too many vegetables on their hands.”
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This improbable report is brought to you hot off the presses of this week’s Monday Mission, which solicited posts in the style of a news article.
AHTV Lowering Acceptable Neatness Standards in the Home
…and Beyond!
Following the incredible success of American Hovel Magazine, the magazine dedicated to lowering acceptable neatness standards in the home, this month will see the launch of AHTV, the American Hovel TV Network. Here are a few shows that you’ll be able to see on AHTV:
Fashion Programming
• Laundry Day Style
Getting dressed can be a challenge on those days when laundry is overdue. But with a little help from our fashionistas, you can throw together outfits that make a statement using what’s left in your closet.
Science and Nature Shows
• The Wild Kingdom: Indoor Edition
Ever wonder what kinds of things are growing in your refrigerator? What sorts of animals have taken up residence in your garage or attack? Tune each week to find out.
Sit Coms
• The Oddly Compatible Couple
Oscar is a messy slob. Felix is a messy slob. What happens when two messy people move in together? Hilarity ensues!
Dramas
• Law and Disorder
A courtroom drama about a group of attorneys whose offices are in constant chaos. They’ll get to the bottom of the case, once they find the tops of their desks.
• The X-Piles
Is that fuzzy gray thing in the vegetable drawer becoming sentient? Are rooms really disappearing in your home? Did aliens steal your remote? Join special agents Molder and Sullied as they investigate reports of supernatural occurrences.
• Max Clutter, P.I.
Crime is a messy business, especially when Max gets involved. Join the Detritus Detective each week for a new mystery, as he searches for clues, missing persons, and his missing car keys.
Home and Garden Shows
• Trashing Spaces
See some of America’s most beautiful showroom homes.Then see what happens when real families move into them.
• Martha Stewart’s Not Living Here
Join our hosts, who are nothing like Martha Stewart, as they give ideas for ways to appreciate your messy home. Topics for upcoming shows include “Loving Your Dandelion Garden,” “Clutter Chic,” and “Feng Shui is not For You.”
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This programming is brought to you by…The Monday Mission, sponsored by The Flying Mum, now with more TV programming than ever. Nothing brightens teeth better!
Yesterday’s Monday Mission, a project calling for posts in the form of a rejection letter, which I found to be a somewhat challenging mission. It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with rejection letters, mind you. It’s just that I couldn’t decide where to go with it. I explored multiple options. I posted the pirate one, but I also wrote another one. And not wanting to be wasteful, I’ll post it today.
Ms. Alejna, dude,
It’s a total bummer, but I gotta tell you. You didn’t get the job, man. It sucks, I know.
Your resume was, like, the awesomest. And you totally rocked the interview. We were all like, “woah, she knows her shit.”
But then there was this other dude. Or dudette, really, like yourself. And she rocked the interview even harder. Her quals weren’t as good, and for a while, we were all like, “can she even do the job?”
But then we went out for a beer, and we flipped a coin. And it was tails. Ouch, man.
It sucks to be you. And it sucks for me that I gotta be the one to tell you. Mr. Wilcox pulled a rock when I was sure he’d be all about paper, freakin’ paper pusher. And so I got stuck with it. Whatever.
Yeah, well, right. Ya know. It sucks, and all that. But if it makes you feel better, this place kinda blows sometimes.
Later,
William R. Bartholomew, III
Vice President, or Something Like That
Acme Stuff, Incorporated
I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position as nanny in our home at this time. While we truly appreciated your time and efforts in coming to the interview, we feel that there is not a good match between you and our family.
Both little Emma and Neil were greatly intrigued by your colorful anecdotes. When Neil admired your stylish eyepatch, it was very considerate of you to take it off to let him wear it. The empty eye socket greatly impressed both children. However, I’m sorry to report that both children have been visited by frequent nightmares since the interview.
In addition, their teachers have sent home notes expressing concern that both children have been using increased amounts of inappropriate language at school. Neil was reported to have asked the lunchlady, “what’s crawled out of th’ bung hole, me hearty wench?” while Emma allegedly made another first grader walk the plank during gym class. When queried about this, Neil simply responded “Arrrr!”, and Emma scowled and waved what appeared to be a cutlass at me in a menacing way. (If this item was a gift from you, I must stress that this is far too generousa gift for such a small girl.)
You clearly have some strong ideas about discipline, and Mr. Smith and I appreciated all of your advice. However, we feel that corporal punishment, especially using the cat-o’ nine tails, is somewhat too harsh to use with children under the age of 7. There is also the matter of personal hygiene. We had hoped that our nanny would work with us to foster a reverence for cleanliness and neatness. However, both children have been quite taken with your statement that “washin’ more than twice a year be fer lily-livered scalliwags.”
While we had only expected that you would stay for the 45 minute inteview that we find typical, it showed great initiative that you were intent on moving in with us at that time, and remarkable perserverance that you chose to camp out in our yard upon hearing that we were not yet ready to make a decision about the position. We must ask, though, that you please consider departing as soon as you can pack your trunk and retrieve your parrot.
We wish you success in your search for employment.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Jane Smith
p.s. Enclosed please find the names and address of a family on the far side of town who may be in need of a nanny.
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This post is offered up as part of this week’s Monday Mission, which asked for posts in the from of a rejection letter. It can also be considered a follow-up post to last week’s submission of a resume.
On the topic of rejection letters, though, you should really check out this one, which is the funniest rejection letter I’ve seen.
To contribute to your organization’s success through the use of exceptional customer service, managerial, and plundering skills. Or to find a position as a nanny. Arrrr.
QUALIFICATIONS
Hard-working, tough-skinned swash-buckling individual with questionable personal hygiene
Exceptional versatility, adaptability and swaggering
Solid managerial, administrative and looting experience
Ability to manage multiple tasks in a pressured environment.
PROFESSIONAL SKILLS Interpersonal and Managerial skills
Interacted with and kidnapped a wide variety of personalities while pillaging, plundering, and wreaking havoc.
Delivered excellent customer service and conducted in-house plundering promotions
Proved multi-tasking abilities by scheduling and supervising crew of scurvy dogs, bilge rats and lily livered scalliwags
Served as right hand to notorious Bloody Captain Roberts (whose original right hand was lost to gangrene)
Administrative skills
Completed, submitted and burned edges of invoices and maps for buried treasure.
Fondled large sums of loot and booty.
Maintained rum inventory control.
Looted petty cash, payroll, inventory, accounts receivable and payable.
Said “Arrrrr!” a lot. (Mayhaps that be an interpersonal skill.)
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
Sailin’ the seas since I were a young lad and had all me teeth.
EDUCATION
I learnt things th’ hard way. I got th’ scars t’ prove it, ye landlubber. Arrrr.
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This post can be blamed on a confluence of unrelated events: the Monday Mission, which asks this week for a post in the form of a resume, and the approach of Talk Like a Pirate Day (which is coming up on Wednesday, September 19.) This resume is very loosely based on a sample resume. Actually, quite a lot of lines from the resume worked pretty well from that verbatim. Arrrr.
