Channel V

Dee of On The Curb has posted a playlist of some of her favorite “vagina music,” with her post entitled exceeding my bandwith on the word vagina.¹ (You should go check out Dee’s blog, by the way. In case you haven’t guessed it, she’s freakin’ hilarious.)

Dee doesn’t quite give a definition of “vagina music,” but she gives quite a few examples. If I had to summarize, I’d say that the songs are ones that move her down to her…um…core, and tap into her emotions. And perhaps also those that remind her that she is biologically female.

Further, Dee has requested comparable lists from others. In her words, “I show you mine, you show me yours.”

Okay, Dee. I’ll show you mine. While I’ve never thought of this music in quite those terms², this is my response playlist:

1. Save Me – Aimee Mann (listen)
2. Thief – Belly (listen)
3. Lucky – Bif Naked (listen)
4. Bulimic Beats – Catatonia (listen)
5. No Need To Argue – The Cranberries (listen)
6. Virgin State Of Mind – K’s Choice (listen)
7. Autumngirlsoup – Kirsty MacColl (listen)
8. Your Ghost – Kristin Hersh (listen)
9. Famous Blue Raincoat – Leonard Cohen (listen)
10. De Cara A La Pared – Lhasa (listen)
11. Wild Is The Wind – Nina Simone (listen)
12. Down By The Water – P J Harvey (listen)
13. Dancing Barefoot – Patti Smith Group (listen)
14. Haunted – Poe (listen)
15. Glory Box – Portishead (listen)
16. Possession- Sarah McLachlan (listen)
17. i am stretched on your grave – Sinéad O’Connor (listen)
18. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me – The Smiths (listen)
19. Anchor – Trespassers William (listen)

How about you. Wanna show me yours?

—–

¹ Dee is not shy about using the word vagina. In fact, in her post, she uses the word vagina no fewer than 38 times. (Yes, I counted. One vagina, two vagina, three vagina, four. Five vagina, six vagina, seven vagina, more…) And that, my friends, is a most impressive feat.

² The thing is, though, I’m not a big fan of the word vagina. In fact, this post here marks the first time I’m using the word on my blog. (Yes, I did a search.) Also the 2nd through 15th times. (Yes, I counted.) Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against vaginas. Or vaginae, if you prefer. I’m glad I have one of my own, and all. I just find the word vagina awkward.

Now spleen, on the other hand, there’s a word I like. Spleen. It’s a word that amuses me. I also appreciate its range of meanings. Some of you may know the spleen as an organ in the lymphatic system. But it was once esteemed as “the seat of spirit and courage or of such emotions as mirth, ill humor, melancholy, etc.” Me, I’m all about the mirth, the ill humor and the melancholy. Then there’s the whole archaic meaning of splenetic to mean “melancholy.” And my playlist is pretty darned melancholy.

So maybe you can consider this my spleen music.

12 Classics of Pants Theater

We at the Pants Institute are dedicated to education of the public on the many contributions that Pants have made to our culture and society. In our previous monographs, we have been pleased to share with you in-depth discussions of great works of Classic Pants Literature as well as more popular media, such as critical analyses of the genre of Pants Horror Cinema. Our next installation of this ongoing series of Great Seriousness and Importance delves into the pants classics of the stage:

Pants of a Salesman
A middle-aged man discovers that his pants are both terribly unflattering and decades out of fashion.

Waiting for Pants
A story of time wasted away in the laundromat when the dryer cycle is unbearably slow.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Wear Pants
Two men hang out at the laundromat playing quarters while waiting for Hamlet to finish his laundry.

Pants on a Hot Tin Roof
When a family’s dryer is broken, they consider laying their laundry out on the roof to dry.

A Raisin in the Pants
A legal drama about the status of a raisin left in a pocket on laundry day.

Who’s Afraid of Virginia’s Pants?
An inebriated couple exchange verbal barbs as they sort through their dirty laundry.

The Importance of Wearing Pants
Two young men practice deception by frequently changing their pants.

Oedipus Pants
The story of a man’s unholy love for his mother’s pants.

Barefoot in the Pants
A newlywed couple find how hard it is to put on pants when you are already wearing shoes.

A Doll’s Pants
A marriage falls apart when a woman discovers what a small pants size her husband really wears.

The Pants of Dorian Gray
A young man’s pants increasingly show the stains of his escapades.

The Pants Menagerie
The story of a blogger who writes obsessively about pants.

—-
Thanks to Painted Maypole, thespian and pantsblogger extraordinaire, whose recent flurry of pants posts has given me the much needed kick in the pants to get back to pantsblogging. Thanks also to John, who suggested the addition of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Wear Pants.

socks fiend

Yes, it’s true. I’ve been thinking about socks all the time. I even have friends feeding my socks addiction.

I’m turning into a real socks fiend.

Even more shockingly, I left a number of important sock-related things of last week’s sock-themed ThThTh list:

• Let’s Talk About Socks: a George Michael song
• I Want Your Socks: another George Michael song. That dude was seriously into socks.
• Socks and Candy: A Marcy Playground song. Oh, man…what’s that smell?
• The Socks Pistols: an early British punk band known for such hits as “Knitting in the U.K.”
• Socks in the City: a TV show about some single socks looking for their mates. (Note: contains explicit laundry scenes.)
• Socks, Lies and Videotape: security tapes reviewed after a series of thefts at the laundromat
• The Opposite of Socks: A movie in which Christina Ricci comes of age and explores footwear alternatives
• Socks on the Beach: an unpleasant footwear decision leading to much sand being collected between the toes. Also a fairly obscure and unpopular cocktail.
• A Midsummer Night’s Socks Comedy: a movie about people who wear socks with their sandals
• socks education: high school classes in which kids learn about foot anatomy and the consequences of socks. (Don’t forget the importance of safe socks!)
• socks maniac: one who just can’t get enough socks
• the fairer socks: should be washed separately from the darker socks
• casual socks: shouldn’t be worn to a formal occasion
• socks scandal: what may happen if you choose the wrong socks for the occasion
• The Second Socks: Simone de Beauvoir’s less famous oeuvre on her collection of mismatched footwear
• The Joy of Socks: the definitive volume on the pleasures of socks

greeting cards for the digital age

Birthdays and weddings. Condolences. Friendship. Any gift shop or supermarket can offer up plenty of cards for plenty of occasions. But in this digital age, the world is serving up more and more occasions for which the greeting card market has yet to be tapped.

• Mazel tov!
  Wishing you all the joy of your new blog!
• Smile ;)
  You’re being cyber-stalked!
• You are invited!
  To waste away your time on Facebook.
• I can’t keep my hands off you!
  Thank you for being my iPhone.
• Achoo!
  Your YouTube video’s gone viral, and that’s nothing to sneeze at!
• My heart beats for your tweets!
  I’ll follow you anywhere.
• You’re one in 257! (And counting.)
  I’m so glad you’re my “friend.”
• Thinking of you in your time of loss.
  Hard drive failure sucks. Wishing you speedy data recovery.
• Happy job hunting!
  Sorry to hear that you’ve been dooced.
• Congratulations!
  You’ve reached your 200th Facebook Friend.
• Bon voyage!
  Wishing you many hours of escape with your new Wii.
• Happy Bloggiversary!
  u can haz cayk!

This post has been brought to you on the occasion of the Monday Mission. For more greeting cards to stuff in your envelope, go visit Painted Maypole.

the soundtrack of my life

This wrinkle in time, I cant give it no credit
I thought about my space and I really got me down

                                “Headache,” Frank Black

I have a headache I haven’t quite been able to shake for the last couple of days. I’m also generally feeling pretty run down. I think sleep deprivation has been catching up with me.

So why aren’t you going to bed, then, Alejna?

Well, I’ll be off to bed soon. But first I wanted to post this assignment I saw over at I’m Just Sayin:

Here’s how it works:
1. Open your music library on iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, or whatever
1. Shuffle it
3. For every ‘scene’ below, type the title and the artist in the order the songs come up

OR

1. If you’re old and don’t have your tunes online, close your eyes and pull out 16 CDs, albums, cassettes, 8-tracks or 78s.¹
2. Actually shuffle them. Be careful, though — they’re antiques.
3. Type in the first title and artist for each scene below
4. Whichever way you do it, no cheating!

So, here’s my soundtrack:

Waking up: You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet, Baby, The Smiths
Falling in Love: Perfect Kiss, New Order
Fight Song: No No Raja, Moxy Fruvous
Breaking Up: Post Script, Catatonia
Prom: Martha Avenue Love Song, Innocence Mission
Life: More Than This, Charlie Hunter featuring…
Mental Breakdown: Pretty Pathetic, Smoking Popes
Driving: Shake the Disease, Depeche Mode
Flash Back: Oh Do Not Fly Away, Innocence Mission
Getting Back Together: Pretty Good Year, Tori Amos
Wedding: Ode to My Family, The Cranberries
Birth of a Child: I Ain’t Gone Under Yet, Neneh Cherry
Final Battle: Fire on Babylon, Sinead O’Connor
Death Scene: Punk to Funk, Fatboy Slim
Funeral Song: Photographic, Depeche Mode
End Credits: Paid to Smile, Lemonheads

I think that works.² It’s just missing Frank Black’s “Headache” for the montage of the last couple of days.

——

¹ I’ve seen variations of this floating around before, but I enjoyed Becky’s suggestion of shuffling the stack of 8-tracks.

² I will confess to having cheated slightly. The first shuffle I got was a load of stuff I either don’t like, and would skip over instead of listening to, or don’t even know. Which suggests to me that I need to clean out my iPod. But the list above is a real and genuine second shuffle.

making my list, checking it twice

I saw this meme over at azahar’s, and found myself going over the list without really meaning to. It’s clearly related to a list that was going around last year, which I posted. There’s a fair amount of overlap. But what the hey, it’s different enough.

Things I’ve done are in bold. Things I’d like to do have a star*. I threw in an extra star for things that I really, really would like to do at some point. (And my assorted comments are in parentheses.)

1. Started my own blog (Duh.)
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band* (I was in a high school orchestra for a couple of months, but didn’t really play anywhere.)
4. Visited Hawaii (Lived there, even.)
5. Watched a meteor shower*
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world (Not since I was about 4 or 5.)
8. Climbed a mountain (A small one.)
9. Held a praying mantis (Am I missing something here?)
10. Sung a solo* (But I might in a couple of days!)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightening at sea (Maybe I have done this. I don’t recall.)
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child*
16. Had food poisoning (Probably. Not of the stomach-pumping variety, but bad enough to knock me down for a couple of days.)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty*
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse*
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person* (But I have seen Iguassu Falls.)
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors*
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (I don’t like the assumption here that lack of money is what keeps most people from being truly satisfied.)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David* (I possibly have. I visited museums in Florence. I know I should remember, but I don’t.)
41. Sung karaoke (In Japan, even!)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt*
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa**
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater* (Well, I’ve never seen a movie at one. The town fair this year was held at our local drive-in, though.)
55. Been in a movie. (My voice was, ever-so-briefly, in a dubbed version of something obscure and French.)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China**
57. Started a business* (I kind of have. I’ve done some selling of crafts, but never officially started a business.)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia**
60. Served at a soup kitchen*
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching* (I have seen dolphins in the wild, though!)
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma*
65. Gone sky diving* (Well, I used to want to do this. I don’t feel as strongly about it anymore.)
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a cheque (Woohoo! I’ve never bungee jumped, but I have bounced a check!)
68. Flown in a helicopter* (Apparently I did in utero.)
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (Just one?)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt*
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades*
75. Been fired from a job (I did get more or less laid off when a store closed.)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (Nope. Not even someone else’s.)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book* (Well, I’m an editor of a couple of published proceedings volumes. Those are books.)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (I have read the words “the entire Bible.” Just now I even typed them.)
86. Visited the White House* (I haven’t been on the inside. I’ve been outside on the street. I think.)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury*
91. Met someone famous (I once served breakfast to olympic medalist Kristi Yamaguchi when I was a waitress, though.)
92. Joined a book club (Led one, even.)
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person (I can’t remember…)
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Rode an elephant* (Huh. I don’t remember ever doing this. But Phoebe has, and she’s only 2. And she could only check off one other thing on this list. If she could even read.)

Last time I got 56 out of 150, or 37%. This time I got 47 out of 100, giving (obviously) 47%. You’d think that I’ve been really busy this past year getting things accomplished, but none of the items are new. (Well, I did have a baby in the last year, but I’d done that before, too.)

Last time I did this, I also threatened to write more about some of the experiences listed. I even took requests. I’m still hoping to write about those things at some point.

If anyone wants stories for any of the above items, let me know. (”Alejna, tell me about the time you got stung by a bee! And did you really once bounce a check? Wow…”)

goosey, loosely

It’s that time of year again. You know, when the goose is getting fat. And you know what? So is my goose list for this fine Themed Things Thursday. But I’m in a bit of a rush, so I’ve gotten a bit loose in my descriptions.

A flock of geese things

1. one’s goose is cooked: an expression meaning that one is in trouble. Eg. “She knew her goose was cooked when she saw the flock of angry geese heading her way”
2. a wild goose chase: an expression for a fruitless venture, usually involving a lot of wasted energy. And sometimes flying feathers.
3. a goose walked over my grave: an expression meaning “got a sudden chill”
4. goose bumps: bumps that a appear temporarily on the skin when a person is cold. Perhaps because the skin looks a bit like that of a plucked goose.
5. what’s good for the goose is good for the gander: an expression meaning that both male and female should be plucked. Or otherwise get equal treatment.
6. take a gander at: an expression meaning “have a look.” As in “Take a gander at those soldiers doing the goose step.”
7. goose step: a formal style of military marching.
8. Spruce Goose: an airplane made out of wood.
9. to goose: to poke someone in the butt, or between the cheeks.
10. gets my goose: an expression one says when something has annoyed or made angry. (Probably a corruption of the similar “gets my goat.”) You know what really gets my goose? Getting goosed.
11. duck, duck, goose: a children’s game played in a group. Participants sit around in a circle and quack and honk. (No, not really. Click the link if you don’t already know the game.)
12. Mother Goose: a name given to the author of traditional nursery rhymes, who may or may not have been a real individual.
13. Gossie: a children’s book by Olivier Dunrea about a gosling and her bright red boots.
14. “The Goose Girl”: a fairy tale about a girl who is frequently goosed. Or maybe not.
15. The Golden Goose: a recipe for roasting a goose. Or maybe it’s another fairy tale.
16. The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs: a fable attribute to Aesop about a couple who had a profitable business agreement with a goose until they got too greedy.
17. killing the goose that laid the golden eggs: an expression based on the above fable, said of people who have it out for geese, and are worried about cholesterol levels.
18. goose egg: a slang term for zero, based on the fact that goose eggs weigh absolutely nothing. Or maybe because of their shape.
19. silly goose: what one might call a person who is behaving in a silly way.
20. give a gift of geese: Heifer International offers geese among their gift options, getting a family a goose to raise. Much better than getting goosed.

It’s a Wonderful Knife

Watching The Nutcracker is a long-time favorite Christmastime utensil tradition in many homes. But did you know that there are plenty of other excellent holiday specials and movies about utensils?

Lesser-known Holiday Utensil Shows

It’s a Wonderful Knife

Frosty the Soupspoon

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Strainer

All I Want Fork Christmas

The Baster Christmas Pageant Ever

Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Tongs

How the Grinch Stole Chopsticks

Spatula on 34th Street

The Ladle Drummer Boy

I’ll Be Home for Cheese Grater

The Sporks of St. Mary’s

Whisks in Toyland

It Came Upon the Midnight Peeler

Yes Virginia, There Is a Garlic Press

the cutting edge

For last week’s ThThTh list, I set the table with forks and spoons. I said I’d be back later with the knives.

1. like a hot knife through butter: an expression meaning that something was or can be cut easily
2. not the sharpest knife in the drawer: an expression meaning “not very smart,” playing of the use of the word sharp as a synonym of intelligent.
3. The Subtle Knife: A novel by Philip Pullman, second in the trilogy His Dark Materials. (It’s the sequel to The Golden Compass.)
4. “3 Blind Mice”: a nursery rhyme and song in which a carving knife is used. Possibly is about Bloody Mary.
   

   Three blind mice, three blind mice,
   See how they run, see how they run,
   They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
   Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
   Did you ever see such a thing in your life,
   As three blind mice?

5. going under the knife: an expression meaning “having surgery”
6. “I always eat my peas with honey”: A poem of largely unknown origins. I first ever heard it while visiting my in-laws last week (and eating peas), and then encountered it a second time the next day when Magpie left it as a comment on my utensil list. Kind of eerie.
   

   I always eat my peas with honey;
   I’ve done it all my life.
   They do taste kind of funny but
   It keeps them on my knife.

7. Shonen Knife: an all female “pop punk” band from Japan. They also have an album called Let’s Knife.
8. “Mack the Knife“: a song from the Threepenny opera. Has been performed by many, From Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, and Louis Armstrong to Sting, The Doors and The Psychedlic Furs.
9. “Cuts Like a Knife”: the title track from the 1983 Bryan Adams album (YouTube)
10. Slash with a Knife, a book of works by artist Yoshitomo Nara with many paintings of angry and threatening-looking but cute litte kids.
11. Knives can be used for slashing, stabbing, and throwing (as well as slicing, dicing and julienning), so they appear pretty frequently in movies as weapons. You might see them such in fight scenes (eg. West Side Story) or murder mysteries (eg. Gosford Park).
12. The knife is one of the possible murder weapons in the boardgame Clue.
13. “That’s not a knife. This is a knife.” A line from Crocodile Dundee. (See the scene on YouTube.)
14. “Chefs do that”: A line from the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight. Geena Davis plays an amnesiac with no memory of her past life as an assassin. When she discovers her skill with knives, she briefly thinks she must have been a chef. Then she throws a knife and skewers a tomato against the wall, saying “chefs do that.” (You can see at least part of the scene in the trailer on YouTube.)
15. knife throwing: a sport involving throwing knives at a target. (The goal is to hit the target with the point of the knife, not, for instance, the handle.)
16. knife throwing act: involves a performer throwing knives around a person, with the goal of not impaling the person. Somewhat ironically considered an “impalement art.” Here’s an example of a mother throwing knives at her little kids in the 50s:
    
17. knifehand strike: a martial arts strike using the “blade” of the hand (not the palm or a fist), and sometimes called a “karate chop.”
18. “In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.” A famous line from a 1970s commercial for the Ginsu knife.