The cover of a book I will not be giving to my mother-in-law.
Mark Rayner’s new novel, Marvellous Hairy, has gotten some great reviews, and some marvellously entertaining press. It’s been published just in time for the major gift-giving holidays. The paperback comes in an attractive compact format, and it also comes in an economical ebook version. You would think this would make it an excellent gift.
In spite of this, I will most definitely NOT be giving a copy of this book to my mother-in-law. Here are the main reasons why:
The 12 Main Reasons I won’t be giving Marvellous Hairy to my mother-in-law:
The novel contains “adult” language.
The book uses colorful descriptive language, and I mean beyond describing a room as having been painted “belligerently pink.”
I’m talking about sentences like the following:
He had long greasy black hair that clung to his head like an octopus humping his skull, and then fell onto his his shoulders in oily post-coital exhaustion.
The book has sex in it.
The book has sex and monkeys in it.
My mother-in-law would be fairly scandalized by something that induced me to compose a sentence including both the words “sex” and “monkeys.”
My mother-in-law has probably never spent any significant amount of time contemplating what it would be like to grow a tail.
It is extremely unlikely that the phrase “Release the monkeys!” would make her giggle.
She wouldn’t know what to make of a playful romp of a novel that is described as “part literary fun-ride, part fabulist satire, and part slapstick comedy.”
Especially one that has been called “deeply, unsettlingly weird.”
She certainly would not take well to the suggestion that she get in touch with her “inner monkey.”
She would probably much prefer some lavender-scented hand soap.
Disclosure: Since I’m a big fan of The Skwib, Mark Rayner’s humor blog, I was all set to buy a copy of this book. (Though not for my mother-in-law.) It was already in my Amazon shopping cart and everything. But then Mark offered to send me a copy. (For FREE! Sucker!) How could I resist? (The monkeys made me do it.)
Chapter 1 – Know before you Throw: Planning ahead for Optimal Tantrums
1.1 Timing: How to choose when to have your tantrum
1.2 Motivation: Why should you consider having a tantrum?
1.3 Location: How and where to get yourself noticed
Chapter 2 – Warm Up: Revving Up for a Tantrum
2.1 Whining: A time-tested precursor
2.2 Pouting: using the lower lip
2.3 Tears: when to let the waterworks start
Chapter 3 – Vocalizations: what to say, and how to say it
3.1 “I WANT,” “DON’T” and “NO”: Three standards of tantrum verbiage
3.2 Repetition: No matter what you say, make sure you say it a lot.
3.3 Repetition: No matter what you say, make sure you say it a LOT.
3.4 REPETITION: No matter what you say, make sure you say it a LOT.
3.5 Wailing, Shrieking and Howling: piercing or eardrum shattering, you’ve got to be LOUD
Chapter 4 – Throwing yourself into things: using your body
4.1 The Limp Noodle: perfecting your boneless body
4.2 The Flail: using arms and legs to express your feelings
4.3 The Foot Stomp: a classic expression of anger
4.4 The Throw: Tossing objects for greater impact
4.5 The Throwdown: Throwing your whole body down for added affect
Chapter 5 – Personal Style: Making the Tantrum Your Own
5.1 Lessons from the Greats: The Tantrum Hall of Fame
Chapter 6 – Consequences: What will happen when I have a tantrum?
6.1 Frazzled Grown-ups: a guaranteed outcome
6.2 Time outs & Loss of privileges: What have you got to lose?
6.3 Will I get a puppy? Debunking the myths of tantrum outcome
This post is for the Monday Mission, hosted by Painted Maypole. This week’s assignment was to write a post in the form of a table of contents.
We regret to inform you that several individuals placed in our care are no longer eligible to continue residence in our facility.
In the uppermost level of the facility, several bagged items have greatly exceeded recommended levels of frost. In particular, the contents of the bag of store-brand Mixed Vegetables have become inextricably melded together.
In the Lower Level, in the departments known as “Vegetable Crisper,” we have become concerned about the rapid degeneration of one Bunch of Celery and several Zucchinis (aka “Courgettes”).
On the Main Level, a large container of Plain Yogurt has only recently expired, yet it is only the most recent such instance. There are several partially used jars of Salsa, Spaghetti Sauce and Various Condiments which should no longer be considered Viable for Consumption. While many are not yet visibly spoiled, our records indicate that these items have been in long-term care far beyond recommended time limits. We have been notified that the opening of the jar of Sweet Pickles, in particular, most certainly pre-dated the birth of your first child.
Additionally, there are many other items whose earthly remains may no longer be identifiable by visual means. There is a glass container which houses, according to our records, what had once been a portion of Canned Black Beans. We consider it advisable that these remains be removed from our premises and disposed of posthaste. Failure to do so may result in additional spoilage and potential generation of new life-forms.
Please remember that while we strive to provided the utmost in Low-Temperature Care, our ability to maintain levels of ick-free storage depends on your upholding your portion of the contract. Should these matters not be resolved in a timely matter, we may consider closing our facilities to further new items.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Your Refrigerator and Freezer
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This week’s Monday Mission was to post in the form of a letter of regret. I have done so. Perhaps regrettably. To find more regrettable letters, check your mailbox. Or stop by Painted Maypole.
And my brother’s back at home
With his Bagels and his Scones
We never got it off on the Cornbread stuff
What a drag, too many crumbs
David Breadbowl - All the Yeast Dudes
Boulanger Records announces Rockin’ Rolls: A Collection of Classic Rock Bread Hits. This two-disc set promises to be the best thing since sliced bread.*
Disc 1 -
Creedence Crumpet Revival – Fortunate Scone
Rusk – Frybread by Night
Fleetwood Matzo – Dough Your Own Way
Iggy Poptarts – Crust for Life
The Doughs – Challah, I Love You
Deep Pumpernickel – Toast on the Water
Croissant, Stills, Lavash & Young – Teach your Ciabatta
The Bagels – You’ve Got to Hide Your Loaf Away
Steve Muffin Band – Take the Honey Bun
Pink Flatbread – Dark Side of the Croissant
Croutons Trio – Where has all the Flour Gone?
Disc 2 -
Pita Frampton – Baby I love Your Grain
Blood Sweat & Tortillas – You Bake Me So Very Happy
Blue Oyster Crackers – (Don’t Fear) the Sourdough
Nick Cave and the Bad Seedbuns – Into My Oven
Americrust – I Knead You
Lof Zeppelin – Stairway to Leaven
Grateful Bread – Uncle John’s Baguette
Rye Toast Speedwagon – Kaiser Roll with the Changes
Chapati Smith Band – Biscuit the Night
Challah and Oatbread – Naaneater
The Rolling Scones – Sympathy for the Bagel
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*I wonder if I need to start having warning labels on my posts: This post contains extremely high levels of puns, wordplay and other silliness. Proceed at your own risk.
Out here in the country, we don’t have those high-falutin’ “billboards” you city people have.
This space available for your ad.
(If anyone else has a caption for this, please leave it in the comments. Or write it on a piece of paper, tape it to a farm animal, and walk it over here for me to read.)
Every time I have the chance
While some may think it’s whack
I’ll write a post involving pants
Let the kitchen swarm with ants
Leave the laundry on the rack
Every time I have the chance
I give my work a sideways glance
I may catch a lot of flak
I’ll write a post involving pants
Humming lines from Safety Dance
I’ll type away upon my Mac
Every time I have the chance
I’ll not read a bad romance
Nor journal papers in their stack
I’ll write a post involving pants
Though others look at me askance
I swear I’m not on crack
Every time I have the chance
I’ll write a post involving pants
—————
These pants are dedicated, in loving memory, to my friend Elizabeth, whose claim that pants was the funniest word in the English language first introduced me to the humorous powers of pants. Your pants will never be forgotten, dear friend.
The form of this post is a villanelle, a style of poetry, and the assignment of today’s Monday Mission. Please pay a visit to Painted Maypole to see who else has chosen to accept this mission. Painted herself has told me that she has a poem up, also with the theme of pants. (Painted penned a poem of pants.)
Today also marks the third anniversary of this blog. It seemed only fitting that it should wear plenty of pants today.
Theo has yet to master the finer points of web surfing.
Yo, dudes! Can anyone tell me what happened to Google reader? At some point in the last few weeks, it stopped displaying blogs in folders, and I can’t make sense of the big jumble of unread posts that are accumulating. I keep popping over, realizing that it’s all a big mess, stabbing at a few unread posts, and then wandering off again. I think i may have to move along yet another feed reader, or revert to Safari. Is there some way to fix Google reader? What are other people using these days for a feed reader?
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In other news, Holly and I are putting together the October Just Posts, which we’ll put up in a few days. (Possibly Friday.) If you read and/or wrote any posts on topics of social justice in the month of October, we’d love to include them in our roundtable. We need your help to keep the Just Posts alive!
Want to learn more? Check our the JP info pages here or there.
For those of you new to the study of pants, it may be helpful to learn a few key terms commonly used by the field’s top panthropologists. As an exercise, please use one of the following words in a sentence.
pantipathy: a strong aversion to pants pantiquity: bloomers of old pantithesis: the opposite of pants pantidote: a remedy for really ugly pants pantidisestablishmentarianism: a fierce opposition to going shopping for pants pantagonize: to cause annoyance by mocking someone’s ugly pants pantepenultimate: the pants you wear when you are almost, but not quite, down to your last pair of clean pants. pantecedent: the pants you wore yesterday pantennae: trouser-shaped appendages atop the head (see also pantlers) panterior: the front side of one’s pants pantathema: really, really ugly pants panthem: a song of pants celebration. PANTS! panthology: a collection of short pants panthrax: an infectious disease that makes one’s pants fit poorly panthropormorphism: ascribing properties of pants to objects or creatures pantlers: the horns atop the head of a pantelope pantomime: the trousers of a mime
