A Toddler’s Guide to Tantrums


Preface – The Fine Art of the Tantrum

Chapter 1 – Know before you Throw: Planning ahead for Optimal Tantrums

    1.1 Timing: How to choose when to have your tantrum
    1.2 Motivation: Why should you consider having a tantrum?
    1.3 Location: How and where to get yourself noticed

Chapter 2 – Warm Up: Revving Up for a Tantrum

    2.1 Whining: A time-tested precursor
    2.2 Pouting: using the lower lip
    2.3 Tears: when to let the waterworks start

Chapter 3 – Vocalizations: what to say, and how to say it

    3.1 “I WANT,” “DON’T” and “NO”: Three standards of tantrum verbiage
    3.2 Repetition: No matter what you say, make sure you say it a lot.
    3.3 Repetition: No matter what you say, make sure you say it a LOT.
    3.4 REPETITION: No matter what you say, make sure you say it a LOT.
    3.5 Wailing, Shrieking and Howling: piercing or eardrum shattering, you’ve got to be LOUD

Chapter 4 – Throwing yourself into things: using your body

    4.1 The Limp Noodle: perfecting your boneless body
    4.2 The Flail: using arms and legs to express your feelings
    4.3 The Foot Stomp: a classic expression of anger
    4.4 The Throw: Tossing objects for greater impact
    4.5 The Throwdown: Throwing your whole body down for added affect

Chapter 5 – Personal Style: Making the Tantrum Your Own

    5.1 Lessons from the Greats: The Tantrum Hall of Fame

Chapter 6 – Consequences: What will happen when I have a tantrum?

    6.1 Frazzled Grown-ups: a guaranteed outcome
    6.2 Time outs & Loss of privileges: What have you got to lose?
    6.3 Will I get a puppy? Debunking the myths of tantrum outcome

This post is for the Monday Mission, hosted by Painted Maypole. This week’s assignment was to write a post in the form of a table of contents.

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10 responses to “A Toddler’s Guide to Tantrums

  1. Perfect.

    Maybe this is in the personal style section, but sections on personal nudity and bathroom accidents may be warranted.

  2. Brilliant!

    When will you be posting the full text? Because I would REALLY like to read that!

  3. Pantastic!

    I will be sure not to give this book to any of my friends’ children, as they probably do not need any help. But actually, if the toddlers carefully read chapter 6 and take it to heart, maybe their parents would appreciate it?

    There could also be a section (perhaps under personal style, as coldspaghetti suggests?) on making yourself throw up. I remember my little brother using that one once.

  4. What a great assignment! (Ingenious!) And methinks you ACED it.

  5. Flesh that out a bit, and I think you have a decent (funny) proposal on your hands!

  6. Hilarious! I especially loved…

    6.2 Time outs & Loss of privileges: What have you got to lose?

    The Limp Noodle and The Flail also got a big laugh out of Nog (was reading this out loud to him).

  7. That’s so, so funny! And, alas, so true. Now there’s a book that would not put me to sleep.

  8. LOL. Literally, out loud, with the laughing .. oh hold on .. okay, Pynchon heard me laughing and came over to read it, and we’re both giggling. Thanks.

  9. sorry that i’m so late in reading this. i’s great, though. do you think I could follow this guide, even though i’m not a toddler? because i’m thinking a tantrum would feel pretty good right about now.

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